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Three--?

[Now he's in for it.]

Three times. That's how many times you broke up with me, Clark--in three weeks

[Technically, one of those was her, actually. Lois does not care about technicalities.]

Next thing I know, you're kissing me goodbye and incidentally springing a secret identity on me, and you have a knife in your chest. Then we're in fucking Canada, and twenty four hours later you're telling me you're probably dead and you're in love with me, and that you want to spend your life with me, never mind that you might not have one anymore--

And you expect things to just magically be perfectly fine?

To be fair, Lois. There was...time for me. It wasn't so sudden. I had... Months.

[And she hadn't. He'd been going along all this time, and she hadn't even had breathing space. Time away from him to actually decide if all of this was what she wanted.]

But we've known each other for longer than that. I thought--

[What did he think? That everything would just fall into place? That she could cope with anything because she was Lois? He hadn't even thought about it being difficult, especially since most of the time he wasn't actually at home. His whole crazy world.]

Maybe I did.

You do remember what happened the last time everyone else had months and I had no idea what was going on, right?

[It's not the first time she's caught a glimpse of something that irritates her or really disappoints her in him. She doesn't love him any less, but this apparent utter lack of thinking about this makes her want to throttle him.]

We've known each other for longer. And you'd just told me to leave you.

We covered this.

[Or maybe they hadn't. He'd just arrived the last time they'd spoken about it, after all, and they'd both seemed to leave things out. Like how she'd known who he was in the first place.

His expression fell.]

Lois... What happened that night?

What, the part where you idiotically decided to not bother telling me what kind of good-bye it was? We agreed it was stupid. We didn't talk about the rest of it.

[Even knowing she's losing sight a little of what her point had been, Lois can't really help feeling bizarrely frustrated. She's not used to 'extended family argument's that don't end in everyone involved shouting. It's disconcerting.]

I told you--and anyway, you were there for more of it than I was.

[He knows she isn't telling him everything, but he's not the type to drive the point home on a hunch. If it's important he has to believe that one day she'll tell him. His voice remains unreasonably soft, the kind of soft that only irritates you more when all you want is to scream back and forth. Because you can beg forgiveness from screaming. You can say that you didn't mean what you said.

Clark doesn't get that--he doesn't do arguing. He doesn't realise that it'ss healthy.

Then let's talk about it now.

[She hasn't realized, entirely, that she didn't list pulling said knife out of his chest. Either way, the sense of being the only one having a problem with the situation is just making her feel worse.

She reaches for the first thing she can think of.]

How the hell did you decide that the solution to crazy-Kryptonian-soldier manipulating me without my knowing better was to cut me off?

[He straightens. Good, something he can talk about.]

Without explaining to you that the metahuman angle you'd been clinging to about the Blur was wrong, and he was an alien, and consequently the Earth was being invaded by people who just show up out of nowhere claiming to be Clark's friend.

If I'd told you you'd have worked it out, and it was all about avoiding that. I can't pretend to you that protecting my secret hasn't put people in danger more often than not. That it's not a burden.

Mmm. And how did not warning me that someone was going to be impersonating the hero I trusted with my life and my world work out for ya, farm boy?

[She feels that her temper should have snapped completely at that last part. Only problem with that is, of course, that her temper went on vacation a few minutes ago.]

Because I was going to be in no danger if only I didn't know my boyfriend would one day be moonlighting in tights.

And that's why things never worked out with Lana. Or didn't, until--

[Oh dear. Breathe.]

I knew that I'd either lie to you long enough to see those lies destroy us, or see you destroyed before you ever knew better. Because I give and I give, Lois. I save people, but I can never save the people close to me.

Until what? Last I checked it never worked.

[She half-laughs with disbelief.]

Do you ever listen to yourself? That's exactly what nearly got me killed and exactly what broke us up. And you're an arrogant, presumptuous control-freak for not accepting what decisions are mine.

Edited 2011-10-05 07:02 (UTC)

To be fair, Lois, Luthor was more to blame for that than anything I did.

[He looks at least a little apologetic.]

Couldn't you be talking as much about yourself?

Well, actually, I'd say Lana was more to blame than either of you--even if Luthor was being his obsessive creepy-stalker self.

[She shakes her head a little to refocus.]

Arrogant I'll give you--even if it's usually justified--but since when am I the control freak?

[He shakes his head. She doesn't understand, doesn't know about the Kryptonite, doesn't know about their last kiss. And how does he explain that to her when she's already so angry?]

Actually it's one of the things I've always loved about you. You never let anyone tell you how to act or what to think. You live life your way, and if you believe you're right you follow it through with all your heart and all your strength.

But it also means that because you believe you were safer knowing, you're not going to have any trust, or faith in my judgement otherwise, before having came here.

I had reasons, Lois. I know they look pretty lousy in restrospect, but at the time they seemed right. I can't help that.

It has nothing to do with what I believe--then or now--it's what the hell the reasons could possibly be to justify basically tossing me out on my own with no backup and thinking it was a good idea.

[It's really funny. Just when she thinks that she might be getting to a point when she can calm down, he gives her another reason to flare up.

And why won't he just get angry? It's feels like she's the only one putting any effort into this argument. Or, well, anything lately.]

Don't you say that. Don't you dare say that. Until you started contradicting yourself at every turn, I never once doubted you--and when I begged you to stop, you shoved me away, and you nearly got us all killed.

So don't you ever dare say that I have no faith in your judgment.

[She's right, that's why he never gets angry. And maybe if he just admitted it, not in a self-defeating way, they might not be arguing over it at all. Instead he just looks away.]

It felt right at the time. That's... That's all I can tell you, Lois. And as for contradiction I was contradicting myself long before then. My reasons--they can change in a heartbeat.

I told you who I was, Lois, and then I saw the whole world turn against me. But even so? It didn't make me want to tell you any less. It made the pain of knowing that you would have been there for me that much harder to bear.

And I should have said something. I lied to you.

Of course you lied. People lie, Clark, and sometimes someone finds out, a lot of the time they don't, and everyone moves on. And you had more reasons than most, and good ones! Hell, I told you not to tell me--did you think I didn't know who I was protecting?

I wanted to be there, to make it easier for you, more than anything, even if-- [Her voice cracks a little]. How do you think I felt when you pushed me away?

--Wait, you lost me around that last bend. What do you mean, you told me and this somehow screwed everything up? [Someone's afraid it was her fault.]

I asked you to tell my story. To tell everyone about Kryptonians and Krypton. At first everything was fine--well, as fine as terrifying celebrity can be. People were throwing themselves off buildings. And then people began to turn against me. The government. Everything crashed and burned, and the only way to fix it was to go back in time--go back and never tell you in the first place.

[He folds his arms.]

I never knew that you knew, Lois.

[Lois just stares for a moment.]

Okay, whoa there, you just said two entirely different things. Telling me isn't the same as telling me to tell everyone everything! Goddammit, do you think I'd write that story without you telling me explicitly to?

[And then she-- deflates a little, looking away. She hated that day so much. Later breakups or not, that was the day it all fell apart.]

I didn't want to. I was afraid-- I was afraid it'd hurt you, if I knew. I told myself I didn't. But-- god, he barely touched me and I knew he wasn't you. Did you think you could get that close and I wouldn't-- you don't ever seem to believe that I know you.

I know that now, but at the time I felt so selfish. I wanted to share my secret with other people, but I was only reminded of all the reasons I had not to.

[ Shaking his head. She had already told him off for those reasons, and repeating them wasn't going to earn him any points. ]

I thought I... I thought that to you I was just this dumb farm boy; just some guy you found in a corn field who ate apple pie and wasn't at all extraordinary. I didn't expect you to see through me--or anyone else for that matter.

Why is it you can't seem to distinguish between telling the whole world everything and not carrying it all alone?

[ She's having so much trouble articulating that it isn't about the past--it's about him doing now exactly the same thing he did then, just on different subjects.

A handful of responses immediately come to mind ('That was six years ago, you changed, I changed, we-the-pair-of-us changed, the world changed,' 'I thought that when I knew you for five minutes, why do you think I wouldn't get it that you're actually hard to peg after a few years?' 'I was dating you, I don't date guys I think are boring,' 'Forget information, why can't you ever trust my feelings for you?'). They are all superseded by something that makes Lois' eyes narrow slightly. ]

That last sentence meaning?

It means I’ve spent my entire life hiding in plain sight and never getting called on it. It means… It means I’ve become used to it, in a way—that I take it for granted that I’m just enough Joe Blow American to cover up for the fact that there might be something special about me.

You’re saying you saw through me—and if you did then who else did? How much of a mess have I been making of this whole secret identity thing, Lois?

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Because it took me 24 hours to grammar properly.

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